5 things the government doesn't want you to know about giraffes.

This is one of the only photographs in existence of the winged giraffe. Long assumed by many to be a legend, others have posited that it is the result of government experimentation.

Here is something that you might not know: the United States government doesn't want you to know the truth about giraffes.

In my research for this story, I have come across some startling and frankly rather frightening information that suggests that anybody who has tried to educate the general public about giraffes and their intentions has met a bad end. Some have gone missing. Some have found themselves charged with outrageous crimes in scandals that effectively discredit them. Some have had "accidents".

I do not scare easily. OK, I scare pretty easily, especially when spiders or clowns are involved, but that's besides the point. I am willing to risk my personal safety and that of my family, to bring you the truth about these vicious vertebrates. If this saves even one person from falling victim to these wretched beasts, it will have all been worth it.

1. Giraffes are masters of disguise.

But Jennifer, you may ask, how on earth can an animal that is 6 feet tall at birth possibly disguise itself? Well, you would be surprised what a fedora, pair of sunglasses, and a trenchcoat can do. Suddenly the fearsome giraffe becomes a tall guy named Geoffrey. Giraffes are more effective at changing their look than any other animal on the planet. Because they lack any real natural camoflauge, over the years giraffes have had to find newer and better ways to stay hidden while they stalk their unsuspecting human prey. A scarf and snowcap can do remarkable things.

So how can you identify your enemy if it so brazenly disguises itself and walks among us like it has a right to? There's no foolproof way. Virtually any tall person could be a hungry giraffe in disguise. The best thing to do is to keep your eyes open, and be wary of tall people, especially those wearing hats and scarves.

2. Giraffes are more venomous than blue ringed octopi, poison dart frogs, and box jellyfish combined.

It's true. As of right now, there is no antidote for giraffe venom. Death comes within seconds of exposure, and it is a horrible way to go. Basically, you begin to hemmorhage so hard that blood shoots from every orifice on your body like a freaking geyser. It even comes out of your pores, it's pretty gross.

The U.S. government has been experimenting with giraffe venom in a multitude of black ops experiments. They want to use it as a bio-weapon. Fortunately for us, giraffe venom is so unstable it breaks down in a matter of minutes once it is ejected from their fangs. Giraffes will not use their venom every time they strike, and once the toxin is released, they die pretty fast. Not as fast as you will if they poison you, but still relatively quick.

God help us all if the government ever figures out a way to prolong the lifespan of this lethal poison.

3. There really are winged giraffes.

See the picture above if you want proof. Plenty of government scientists have no qualms about playing Frankenstein. The winged giraffe is one of their few triumphs. What's better than a lethal killing machine? One that flies.

4. Giraffes killed the dinosaurs.

Forget this meteor story. Several fossilized remains of assorted dinosaurs (including but not limited to Tyrannosaurus Rex, brachiosaurs, and triceratops) show evidence of giraffe attacks. Markings on the bones have been matched to the giraffe's distinctively shaped teeth.

In 1982, renowned paleontologist Mitchell Sajor published several papers theorizing that giraffes essentially ate dinosaurs into extinction. He was subsequently the center of a scandal involving several teenage acrobats, a Russian prima ballerina, and a hijacked shipment of Chiquita bananas. His wife left him and took his children, and he took his own life in late 1983. His papers have since vanished, and the theory is virtually unknown at this point in time.

5. Giraffes can shoot laser beams out of their horns.

Yes, I know they're not really horns. The horny looking stumps on a giraffe's head are actually called ossicones. For years, scientists have stated that they don't really have a purpose. That, my friends, is exactly what the government wants you to believe, because the truth is absolutely chilling.

Fact is, giraffes actually shoot laser beams out of them. Little is known about when or how giraffes developed this skill. Published research on the subject is virtually nonexistent.

One of my sources (who spoke to me on the condition of utter anonymity) has confirmed that the United States military facility in the Nevada desert at Groom Lake, better known as Area 51, is actually a highly classified testing habitat. Giraffes are brought in from all over the world and given rigorous analysis. My source could not or would not divulge what exactly goes on at said facility, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. The military is obviously helping giraffes to improve their aim for maximum carnage with each shot.

I know there are many who will scoff at and dismiss this article as the ramblings of an insane (although incredibly good looking) kook. That's fine. If I get through to even one man, woman, or child, then my work here will have meant something.